WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
You Might Also Like
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
thinking about a very short hotdog
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?