Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You can hide but you can’t run,”

– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

Date: I’m looking for security

Me: I double knot my shoelaces

Date: but also excitement

Me: together

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

The woke left? Without saying goodbye?

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

Never forget.

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it