wdym don’t shoot the messenger? take responsibility for your career choices
You Might Also Like
old twitter is back baby
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
I’m trying to eat healthily but there’s still so much cheese in the fridge. And it’s illegal to throw cheese away. Not sure what to do.
I guess I’m going to have to eat the cheese.
Yes. I am now actively eating the cheese.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
