wdym don’t shoot the messenger? take responsibility for your career choices
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Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice