wdym don’t shoot the messenger? take responsibility for your career choices
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A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .