Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I can’t sleep

Me: try counting sheep

Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?

Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.

he’ll never suspect a thing

I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.

This headline is a thing of beauty

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

inflation so bad pets are getting jobs

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”

[1st date]

Him: We share perfect chemistry!

Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*

[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature

[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender

extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

Kid: Mom, will you play with me?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.

Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*

8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?

Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace

ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse

FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?

ME: grow up Kalvin

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.

Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.