wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
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She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
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