Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot

Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs

this post was so formative to me

I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly

Overheard at the hardware store today …

Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.

Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.

Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb

Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”

Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”

It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.

bro: she stressing u out g??

me:

I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT