Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most people quit when their ahead

Then there’s me

Hi

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.

ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…

Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

Brain: Let’s play a game.

Me: What?

Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.

Me: Fuuuuu……

Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.

Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.

Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.

[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

In the Target toy aisles-

“No, please put that back”

“I said we aren’t buying anything today”

“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”

– and that’s just me to my husband

had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

[tarot reader looks at my cards]

you’re gonna die clonking your head on something

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.