we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
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If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Best seat on the street 😍
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”