we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
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I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?