We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
You Might Also Like
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
How dude HOW?!
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.