We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.