We all have our pet causes.
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*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?