Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

Running your mouth is not cardio.

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.

Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”

Now, ask me the question

I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”

guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)

My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in