Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.

[ english class ]

me: this is useless, i’m outta here

*20 years later*

judge: please rise for your sentence

me: my what

*First day as a police officer*

Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?

[furniture store]

Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.

Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.

Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.

*looking in The Mirror of Erised*

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.

SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.

Safest bet I ever made.

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

🤣

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

WAP on, WAP off

-Cardi Biyagi

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.

You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra