We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
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“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.