Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.

If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?

hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol

“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

[day 3: stuck in elevator]

girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon

me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.

Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵‍💫

Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.

Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.

Me: Almost? Quitter.

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have 2 half sisters

#SCOTUS one-star review

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

I have half a mind to…

Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”

My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.

Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms