We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

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Squirrel Thoughts

They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.


As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me


Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh


When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.


I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.


Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.


The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.


My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.


I’m ONLY remembering to drink fluids because you told me to. NOT because fluids are literally the only thing you CAN drink, KAREN.