We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
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Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
and now we wait
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?