We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

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me: I know it’s over, but can I have one last hug? Please?
Him: *moves closer. stops & sniffs* omg are you covered in superglue?


Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it


Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread


Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.


Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!


[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.


How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.


PRANK: ask someone what’s on their shirt and when they look down give them a perm


“Hey, let’s get the guys that built the Obamacare website to update our app!”

– Twitter