@Lisa_Laughs_
@bombsydoll
me: I know it’s over, but can I have one last hug? Please?
Him: *moves closer. stops & sniffs* omg are you covered in superglue?
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@bombsydoll
@CoolCamel69
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
@NYorNothing
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
@turtledumplin
You mean orgasms aren’t those Japanese paper artsy things?
@CarpentersCrack
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
@Ideal_Victoria
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
@JediGigi
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
@citizenkawala
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
@earthfalcon33
PRANK: ask someone what’s on their shirt and when they look down give them a perm
@Shock_Monster
“Hey, let’s get the guys that built the Obamacare website to update our app!”