@Lisa_Laughs_

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

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@JimmerThatisAll

Squirrel Thoughts

They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.

@brynnester

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me

@ItsAndyRyan

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh

@TheNYAMProject

When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.

@SonOfCha

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

@AngelaEhh

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

@WilliamAder

The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.

@FScottFitzJesse

My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.

@jergarl

I’m ONLY remembering to drink fluids because you told me to. NOT because fluids are literally the only thing you CAN drink, KAREN.