Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist

Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?

Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?

Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE

english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.

No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”

When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂

#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break

My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.

A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

Me: I can’t sleep

My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.

the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.