We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
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[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?