We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
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The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
I ate everything, including the H.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.