We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
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When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
I’m literally crying
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?