We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
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M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*