Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[4 hours later]

Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever

Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

me refusing to leave twitter

When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.

Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed. 

Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!

Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.

I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.

It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh

me working on my assignments ^-^

If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.

But nope, it was just me getting ready.

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?

I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.

Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

Watching someone cook is really sexy.

But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.