“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
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People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
meow
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Well, this certainly took a turn
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…