We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
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[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
no
