we all know this pain all too well
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Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
neighborhood watch
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀