we all know this pain all too well
You Might Also Like
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.