Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life

This makes total sense…

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.

Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?

Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?

The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha

[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit

3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.

Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.

me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

There’s no “us” in nachos.

Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that

If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.

she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot