Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.

I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.

You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

“Omelet you finish.”

– Kanyegg West

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William

*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit

Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.

The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.

We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:

1) oh my god for me?!

2) this is the best day ever

3) this house is full of thieves trust no one

When in doubt…

1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.