We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
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“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
She knows her part so well!
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy