We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
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if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]