We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
You Might Also Like
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
And that about sums it up.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?