We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
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I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
He a real one for that
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.