@LuvPug

We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.

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@animadvertguy

WIFE: really?
ME: uh?
WIFE: 20 mins and you haven’t noticed?
ME: oh! hair looks nice, hun
WIFE: [crossing her 1 arm] I had my surgery today.

@Jamberee13

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

@AthenaMystique

I’d only convert to Christianity to learn how to turn water to wine.

WHADYA MEAN THEY DON’T TEACH YOU THAT? WHAT’S THE POINT, THEN?

@GrumpyComments

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

@SteveDutzy

Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.

Parents: OH THANK GOD

@Aspersioncast

If my girlfriend is late for work & looking for keys,
I help by following her around the house & looking in exactly the same spots she does.

@4SLars

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

@MarcusCVance

What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”

@Browtweaten

Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?

Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha

Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*