Date tip: buy a calendar
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
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“Dad, what’s the difference between love and lust?”
– Well, ya know your teddy bear?
“I love it”
– While you’re at school, the dog lusts it.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”
Never been more impressed in my life.
[getting ready to go out]
Wife: I have nothing to wear!
Me: *wearing my PE shirt from middle school* I’m ready to go
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit