We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
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Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.