@LuvPug

We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.

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@Sickayduh

“Dad, what’s the difference between love and lust?”
– Well, ya know your teddy bear?
“I love it”
– While you’re at school, the dog lusts it.

@SteveSuckington

[approaches parent with child on a leash]

“Mind if I pet your dog?”

Hey that’s my son!

“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”

@EndhooS

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

@chrisdelia

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

@momjeansplease

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.

@Mr_Kapowski

[getting ready to go out]

Wife: I have nothing to wear!

Me: *wearing my PE shirt from middle school* I’m ready to go

@mom_tho

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit