We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
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I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”