We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
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Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”