We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
2022 be like
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
