Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *falling asleep*

youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders

me: you have my attention

Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries

I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

*Takes drive down memory lane

*Gets a DUI

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?

*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”

6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.

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The Chosen Phew

me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain

Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.