We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
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I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Just why bro?!
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.