Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever

Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.

The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*

Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer is “Nun of the Above”.

My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.

Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.

My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.

My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait