Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?

Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.

Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.

I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?

Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get

Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.

my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”

I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.

Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.

When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

Finally! 😈

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.

Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”

Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”

If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.