Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.

Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack

A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”

That seems sus.

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems

Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?

When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible

They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.

Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently

You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down

STOMACH: no

ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony

my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement

Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu