We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you
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Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
What.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.