Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.

CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber

BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!

To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.

Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”

Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

“You can hide but you can’t run,”

– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”

This is hilarious….

Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.

❤️🦆

[prison hospital]

PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?

CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of

PRIEST: …

CHARLES MANSON: …

PRIEST: Do you want a hint?

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

Me: you know what’s sexy?

Mirror: no

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg

My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.

But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

expecting to live rent-free in my mind? good luck being homeless