We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you
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imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?