Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero

which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.

Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting

[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work

Lost and found pet FB pages

I found this dog in my yard, who does he belong to?? People like this don’t deserve to have pets. This owner should be locked up. What kind of MONSTER would do this???

*update – owner found, lives 3 houses down, leash broke and he ran. All good.

A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

When I was a kid I thought Original Sin meant that everyone had one weird sin they did in their life that no one else had done before and you had to work out what it was

It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

[digging through lost and found]

Target employee: What are you trying to find?

Me: My son

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo:

Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”