Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for

Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

This could have been an email.

— me, while attending a wedding ceremony

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭

Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.

didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about

Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now

Me: Please don’t

Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰

Me: Omg 3 please

The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.

Coworker: What was your college major?

Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…