Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

Haha good job!!

SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.

if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.

*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell

watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

Her: Your hair looks nice today

Me: Thanks. I slept differently.

Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1

Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.