Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it

What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?

One is against the law, the other is a sick bird

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me

Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.

Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

*bursts into starbucks*

Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET

Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*

“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”

Liam Neeson returns in…

TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED

(Summer 2015)

FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:

you’re tall for a woman

[she gets real mad right here]

*place hand on hers*

but the perfect height for an angel

Me: Time to relax and get into bed!

The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?

Me: Yes, obviously.

Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs

Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.

Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!

me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!

Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.