We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
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My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.