We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
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I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Real 😅
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
