We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
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My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
📽️movie date🎞️
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
just got my engagement photos
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one