We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
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Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Merica.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”