A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
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“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.