Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO

“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”

Caller:

“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”

Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷‍♀️

I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?

“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.

rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic