We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
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When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.