We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
You Might Also Like
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more