we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
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Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
There is wisdom there.
all that yoga finally paid off
*orders delivery*
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
#Caturday
What’s so funny?
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
bought wrong eggs
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.