Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
You Might Also Like
If a lady ever jumped out of my cake goddamnit she better be holding more cake
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
netflix: are you still watching
me, on my phone not paying any attention at all: yes