we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.

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Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.


If a lady ever jumped out of my cake goddamnit she better be holding more cake


*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.


me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none


Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af


83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.


[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape


Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”


Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.


netflix: are you still watching

me, on my phone not paying any attention at all: yes