we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.

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New boyfriend is allergic to kitten so can’t keep him 🙁 He’s ginger & named Tom. Friendly. Comes when called. 28yrs-old & works in IT.


I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.



Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: No, absolutely not.


Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: After you eat your real breakfast.


Kid: What’s for breakfast?

Me: Popsicles.


Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.


Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.


Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.


Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?

Me: Yeah! Slept.

Husband: Correct, good night.


*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.


Every time you shake hands with a dog u r entering into a dog contract whos stipulations u could never understand


If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.