@wolfpupy

we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.

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@Swishergirl24

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

@smedlee

If a lady ever jumped out of my cake goddamnit she better be holding more cake

@blade_funner

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

@mrjohndarby

me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none

@ShortSleeveSuit

Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

@1_swarthy_dude

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

@SteveSuckington

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

@HollyMemphis

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”

@bourgeoisalien

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

@imskytrash

netflix: are you still watching

me, on my phone not paying any attention at all: yes