WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
You Might Also Like
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
He took my last fry, your honor
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..