We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
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I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
