We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
You Might Also Like
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Breaking news:
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
I needed a laugh this morning.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad